How to Spot Your Shadow Self
There’s a part of us we don’t always want to admit exists. It hides behind polished personas and carefully curated identities. It lurks beneath our judgments, our outbursts, and our insecurities. It can be fierce, fragile, protective, or primitive.
This is the shadow self—the part of us we’ve buried, denied, or disowned. Carl Jung described the shadow as everything within us that is unconscious, repressed, or not yet integrated. It holds both our darkness and our dormant gold. It isn’t evil. It’s simply the raw, wild material of the psyche—waiting to be met, witnessed, and reclaimed.
But how do we know when the shadow is showing up in our lives? Here are some of the most common ways it reveals itself
Projection
Projection is perhaps the most classic—and sneaky—expression of shadow. When we project, we see in others what we refuse to see in ourselves. Instead of facing our own insecurity, we label someone else as arrogant. Instead of owning our anger, we say they’re the aggressive ones.
Projection isn’t just personal—it’s collective too. Entire societies do this. Racism, homophobia, misogyny, and other systemic issues are rooted in projected fear and unconscious material. Blaming the “other” becomes a defence mechanism. And in doing so, we avoid responsibility for our own inner world.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” — Carl Jung
Criticism and Judgment
When we’re quick to criticise others, we may be pointing the finger at what we’ve yet to accept in ourselves. That trait you can’t stand in someone else? It might just be part of your own psyche trying to be seen. If two people “butt heads” because they’re so alike, it’s the shadow recognising itself in the other. It’s not pleasant, but it’s powerful. If you let it, it can lead you home to your own edges.
Victimhood
Shadow shows up when we cast ourselves as powerless. We’ve all had moments of feeling like the world is against us. But when victimhood becomes a pattern, it cuts us off from our agency. Whether you blame others or sink into self-pity, it’s often the shadow at play. It’s asking you to reclaim responsibility—not in a shaming way, but in a liberating one. It’s the beginning of sovereignty.
Superiority
The flip side of victimhood is inflated superiority. When we need to be “better than,” we’re usually compensating for a deeper wound. Maybe as children we were overlooked, unloved, or felt small. So we overcompensate. We become the boss on a power trip The therapist who always knows better. The spiritual seeker who subtly belittles others.
Superiority is often a shield for shame. It’s not confidence—it’s protection.
Feeling Triggered
Ah, the trigger. That unmistakable heat in the belly, the sharp spike in your chest, the rush of defensiveness .Being triggered often means someone has touched a shadow wound. It can feel overwhelming. But it’s also an invitation. Instead of reacting to the outside world,
Ask yourself, What part of me is hurting right now? What does this moment remind me of?” Family members are expert button-pushers. But those buttons? They’re yours to explore.
Taking Pleasure in Pain
We don’t often talk about this one—but it’s real. There’s a part of the shadow that takes pleasure in destruction—of the self or others. It might look like schadenfreude: secretly feeling relieved when a friend doesn’t succeed. It might look like pushing yourself to exhaustion to prove your worth In its raw form, it’s even found in sexual expression, through consensual power dynamics like BDSM.
Rather than judge this part, get curious. What is it trying to express? What unmet need lies underneath?
Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
Our earliest relational dynamics shape how we love, fight, and attach. If you were criticised as a child, you might now attract partners who do the same—or find yourself doing the criticising. If rejection was a wound, you might become hyper-vigilant or sabotage intimacy before it gets too close.
Most relationship drama stems from the unconscious seeking to re-enact what it never had a chance to resolve. But the good news? With awareness, the cycle can stop with you.
Facing the Shadow with Compassion
Your shadow is not your enemy. It’s a part of your wholeness that is waiting for integration. The more you befriend it, the more personal power you reclaim.
You begin to move through the world less triggered, more whole, more awake. You start noticing where you once judged, you now understand. Where you once blamed, you now take ownership. Where you once felt shame, you now hold sacred space.
What qualities in others do I most judge—and what might they be showing me about myself?
In what areas of my life do I feel powerless, and what stories am I telling myself?
When was the last time I felt triggered? What did it remind me of?
What part of me am I afraid to let others see?
This is deep, soulful work—and it can be quite unsettling to work through, but the freedom and libation on the other side is worth the discomfort of facing yourself. I view it as one of the most sacred acts of self-love.
You are not just the light, or just the dark—you are both. And in embracing all of you, the alchemy begins.
Get in touch of you want some guidance on navigating Shadow Work.
Courses & Workshops
I’m delighted to be facilitating the fourth Sacred Alchemy Practitioner Course, beginning January 2026. This is a deeply immersive, accredited training that fuses hypnotherapy, shamanism, NLP, and Jungian depth psychology into a powerful, soul-rooted path of transformation.
This course isn’t just professional training — it’s an initiation.
It’s for the seekers, guides, witches, therapists, artists, empaths, and rebels who know that healing happens in the deep. Over ten months, in a small group of committed practitioners, we journey together through ancient and modern practices that change lives — including your own.
Applications are now open
In-person in Leicester, UK
Includes hands-on practice, live weekends
Experienced Facilitator with 30+yrs experience in Mental Health
Get your Copy of the Sacred AlchemyProspectus Here
The Woman’s Magic Circle
This sacred women’s container offers a full-day seasonal immersion. Rooted in the lunar calendar and shamanic archetypes, each gathering invites you into community, ritual, and deep inner work — with ceremony, journaling, movement, and myth.
In-person dates:
31st May ( Two spaces left in The May Circle) Click Here to Secure Your Space
9th August
20th Sept
Nov (Maybe)
Parts Work Immersion – Reclaiming the Inner Cast
This one-day workshop invites you to explore Parts Integration, combining elements of, Hypnotherapy, NLP, inner child healing, and shamanism. You’ll meet the inner team and begin the sacred process of reconciliation.
CPD Day for SAP Students and open to public 14th June 2025 | Leicester
Rewriting Stories With The Fool
Step into a sacred playground where story meets spirit. In these dynamic workshops, we use theatrical clowning as a tool for personal narrative transformation — challenging stuck roles and identities through play, mischief, and deep feeling.
Next Clown Dates 19th July
Transformational Work in Leicester
I continue to offer 1:1 therapy and mentoring sessions in Leicester, both in-person and online, with a focus on depth transformation, soul retrieval, trauma integration, and personal power. Working with me is not about fixing — it’s about remembering who you are. You’re welcome to walk this path with me.
With Love
Alexia X
www.alexiaelliott.co.uk